I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
