tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
