If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
