Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
