i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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