Someone shit on the floor
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
