Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
