Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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