I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
This baby is an asshole
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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