I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
