my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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