Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
not ubering you a puppy
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
