Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
