Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
