He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Randomize
