just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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