Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
