I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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