i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
