he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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