Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
