There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
