his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
