dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
