I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
