I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
