Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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