Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
