I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
