I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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