oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
