I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
