I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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