grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
