Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
