I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
The air taste purple.
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