I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
