I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
