some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
