People in love make me want to vomit
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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