youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
