According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
and i looked up. we had an audience...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
