Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
