I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
In other news, I just burned my penis
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
