I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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