why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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