I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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