I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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