I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
