I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
