i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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