i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
