his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
