I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
