My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
